I propped myself up in my bed with a pregnancy pillow and balanced a large book on my protruding belly. Like every night for the past nine months, I pored over my worn edition of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, believing parenting was another subject for me to master as a perfectionist.
As a first-time mom, I naively assumed if I read the right books, listened to the right podcasts, and mimicked the right social media influencers, then I could achieve perfection in parenthood—or at least be close to it.
However, from the moment my birth plan went out the window, I began to realize that perfection would always be out of reach.
Nursing was harder than I expected, despite the multiple lactation classes. My emotions were out of control, no matter how much I prayed for relief from anxiety. A blowout diaper derailed my best-laid plans.
Somewhere between the spit-up and the sleepless nights, I began to realize my exhaustion wasn’t just from being a new mom. It was from striving for something I could never reach.
A holy longing
Our culture usually gives us two opposing views of parenthood. On one side, they put forth shiny influencers who prove we can perfectly parent our children with gentle words, non-toxic water bottles, and expensive supplements. On the other side, culture keeps us laughing at reels of incompetent dads and “hot mess” moms.
One side tells us we can be perfect if we just try hard enough (and shop their affiliate links). The other tells us there’s no need to try at all, just celebrate or mock our imperfections.
God’s word, however, tells us a different story. In the first two chapters of the Bible, God displayed his design for a perfect world. He created humanity to live in a perfect garden, to labor in perfect harmony, and to walk in perfect communion with himself. We still deeply long to be perfect because we were created for perfection.
However, Adam and Eve believed the serpent’s lie that they could live a fuller life on their own. When they bit into the fruit, their eyes were opened to imperfection, and they sought to cover up their flaws with fig leaves.
We join every human since, as we lament our imperfections—and our attempts to conceal them—because our body, mind, and spirit were created for perfection. We want to be good parents to our children because we were created in the image of a good God.
Our desire to be perfect is a holy longing. The problem is not in our desire for perfection but in where we search for the fulfillment of our desire.
The source of perfection
When we look to ourselves as the source of perfection, we will be pushed either to striving or shame. We will spend our days legalistically following parenting books, trying to prove ourselves. Or we will give up attempts at growing as a parent because we’re afraid to fall short.
Scripture invites us to a third and better way—by beholding the true source of perfection. “Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:1-2).
Our longing for perfection is ultimately fulfilled in Christ. He fulfilled every quality of a perfect parent—patient, kind, wise, sinless, and so much more. He died on the cross and rose again to restore us to God’s good design. Not only did he take away our imperfections, he gave us all his perfection! “For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14, emphasis added).
We don’t have to be perfect in and of ourselves because Jesus has already declared you perfect and is making you perfect day by day. And one day, you will stand before him perfectly satisfied and sufficient in him forever.
The perfected parent
When our hope for perfection is secure in Christ, we are free from the burden of self-righteousness. We are free to pursue excellence in parenting—by reading books, researching new resources, and seeking wisdom from older parents at our local church—not to earn God’s love but because we are already beloved by him.
In the same way, we are free from the burden of self-condemnation. When we are harsh with our children, can’t keep up with housework, or forget to do family worship (again), we know that we can never lose God’s compassion and grace, no matter how imperfect we are.
After years caught in cycles of shame and striving, I’m learning my children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a “perfected” parent who points them to the perfection of Christ.
Bethany Broderick encourages women to embrace gospel truth in the everyday moments of life. She’s the author of Perfected: Trading Shame and Striving for Wholeness in Christ and shares regularly through speaking and writing. Her work has been featured by The Gospel Coalition, Risen Motherhood, Gospel-Centered Discipleship, and other ministries. Bethany lives in Birmingham, Alabama, with her husband and their three young children. You can connect with her on Instagram and at bethanybroderick.com